Thinking Outside of the Idiot Box.

Over the past few years, quality television has been dying down in New Zealand. Rodney Hide has stopped awkwardly gyrating in a puddle of perspiration, the entire population of the country has by now experienced a home makeover of some kind, and since the French decided to resume their nuclear testing in the Pacific, Treasure Island has tragically been sunk.

What we need now are fresh ideas -- creative ways to breathe new life into this moribund art form. If TVNZ takes the following suggestions on board, this fine country may be in for a new golden age in public broadcasting.

1) Dancing With The Stars: Bollywood Edition.
In this exciting new series, New Zealand celebrities are thrown onto a low-budget Bollywood set without any prior instructions. Which contestant will break cultural barriers, remember their choreography, and survive on the mean streets of Delhi at night in order to earn the title of 'International Disgrace'?
More importantly, will they earn enough money for the flight back?

2) Who Wants To Be A Giant Donut?
Combining the thrilling action of Survivor with a modern flavour, every episode of this 'The Biggest Loser' crossover show features a new contestant being forced to dress up as their favourite pastry item before being locked in a room with the Biggest Loser cast for an indefinite period of time.
Season Two features drug-induced hallucinations which effectively blur the line between fiction and reality for the participants. Is the donut real?
Is anything real? Dude.

3) The Biggest Douchebag.
From the makers of The Biggest Loser comes a riveting new tale of arrogance, treachery, and general despicability.
Twelve of the most loathsome members of society are forced to share a house with one beautiful woman whose heart they must capture by lying, cheating, and possibly stealing. The first episode requires all participants to form a futile 'alliance' with everyone, including the camera crew, in order to get ahead in the game. In a revolutionary twist, however, there is no voting system. To eliminate a contestant, the enraged viewer(s) must travel to the aforementioned house and forcibly remove a subject of their choice.


4) The Unnecessarily Complicated Life.
Cashing in on the success of hit show 'The Simple Life', this new series revolves around the reactions of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie when faced with preposterously complicated situations. The pilot episode will feature the two celebrities struggling to come to terms with postmodern literature, as they are required to write a structural analysis of Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon. The Unnecessarily Complicated Life uses an all-new 'Catch 22 System', making it absolutely impossible for either of the two girls to complete any of their assigned tasks without being sent back directly to where they started from.
The first season ends with a cliffhanger as the stars stand in the same spot they have been in since day one, in what appears to be an existential crisis.


5) This Isn't Your Life.
This Isn't Your Life is very similar to This Is Your Life, with one key difference: The chosen subject for every episode is a mundane and unremarkable citizen who is shown the high points of another, more successful, individual's life. After having been exposed to 30 to 60 minutes of glowing testimonials and a seemingly endless list of accomplishments, the subject is given time to openly reflect during the "Where did I go wrong?" section at the end of every show.