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Monday, October 29, 2007

Area Locals Exposed to Terrifying Force of Nature: Government Refuses to Help.

--Dunedin, New Zealand.--
In a shocking turn of events, the residents of Dunedin have been subjected to a highly dangerous spectrum of electromagnetic radiation.
Upon first impact, locals experienced temporary blindness and primal terror at the sight, which has inevitably scarred the hearts and minds of the young and old alike.

"It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before in my life", said local man Michael Lamb, "I stepped outside and it felt like I was being burned alive. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear everyone around me hissing and weeping in agony."

It is unknown where this crisis originated, but speculation has implicated multiple terrorist organisations, the French rugby team, and George Bush.
According to lifetime Dunedin resident and grandfather of four Isaac Bernhardt, this is not the first time it has happened in his life:

"When I was still a lad, I remember going outside despite my mother telling me not to. All I remember is a blinding flash of light, and waking up a few hours later. My skin was incredibly sensitive and its colour had changed into a violent red hue. Oh, that horrible, horrible light. I thought I would never see it again."

Experts are concerned about the long-term implications of exposure to this inexplicable source of terror, but the majority of these unfortunate victims feel they need swift government intervention in order to carry on with their lives as they would normally. Residents of Dunedin and surrounding towns have demanded outside help as they continue to suffer from these pulsating beams of heat.

The New Zealand Minister of Weather-Related Affairs has since released a disgruntled press statement after continued pressure on him to do so, saying "It's just the sun. What more can I say?"
It remains unknown whether or not he will issue a public apology, though civil rights groups are up in arms about his apparent apathy towards the population of the Otago area.

The prime su(n)spectLeft: The prime suspect.

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By lunchtime, Dunedin hospital's Accident and Emergency department was overwhelmed by dozens of bald-headed men with sun-burnt scalps. "Their pallid pates are particularly susceptible to the sun's ultraviolet rays," said a doctor, adding that most of the patients had not heard of sun-screen. "We never bothered to take our 'Slip Slop Slap' campaign that far south," a spokesman for the Cancer Society acknowledged, when contacted for comment.

Emergency services were stretched to the limit as scores of pedestrians around the city succumbed to heatstroke. The Fire Service were called in to attend one casualty on St. David St., a middle-aged woman who had to be cut free from several layers of polypropylene. The Mayor reacted quickly to the sudden crisis, appealing to those in other parts of New Zealand accustomed to sunshine to send teeshirts, shorts and light cotton garments.

Fortunately for the people of Dunedin, the crisis was short-lived. By early afternoon it had clouded over, and by late afternoon the temperature had plummeted to normal levels. By evening Dunedin was being lashed by a cold southerly bringing heavy rain.

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