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Sunday, September 30, 2007

I'm still alive.

It has been a while since this page has been updated, but I have two very good excuses:
1) I was told about 'the sun' - an elusive concept at first, which soon proved to be quite pleasurable.
2) I underwent major surgery on Friday.

While I would also enjoy learning more about this mysterious "Sun", I will use this blog entry to tell you the gory details relating to my operation.
First of all, let me say that the surgery was successful.
I feel a lot more agile, and I now have the ability to move my head without any difficulty. However, this freedom of movement has come at a cost; the sharp tools used to free me from my restricting fetters have also altered my appearance greatly.

Some of you may not be able to recognise me, as even my dearest friend found himself at a loss for words.
It took me some time to come to terms with my new countenance, but ultimately I think it's for the best. It was a choice that I had to make at some point, and I decided that it would ultimately be more beneficial to do it sooner rather than later:

I had a haircut.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Insomnia.

A lot of people think counting sheep is a good way to fall asleep.
A lot of people are wrong.
Last night, after individually naming and assigning characteristics to every single sheep in New Zealand (there are a lot), I gave up.
I turned on my television, and gazed at the horror that had waited for me so patiently:
Infomercials.

After trying to find something I could watch without losing a little bit of faith in humanity, I became aware that this was impossible.
Over the course of several minutes, I learned:

• I can make millions in real estate without leaving my bed if I follow a set of five simple instructions.

• For a mere $3.50 per message, quasi-attractive girls may send me a text such as "Hi" or "Hello". If I'm lucky I will be asked if I enjoy Thai cuisine.

• I can be the proud owner of a 'Bowflex body' by exercising three times every week.

• Having a Bowflex body will instantly make me a professional volleyball player at age 41.

• Being a middle-aged man and playing volleyball for a living is the very apex of human success.

• Never trust anyone.

• No matter how tired you are, Fox News will never seem like a fair and balanced news source.

• If there was a medieval battle between 65,400 infantrymen armed with brooms, and 65,400 brooms armed with infantrymen, the fate of the world would ultimately depend on how fast a polar bear can run when put under mild stress.
(I began hallucinating due to sleep deprivation at this point.)

• Most of all, hallucinations involving anthropomorphic brooms and polar bear protagonists are often more realistic/truthful than anything aired on television after midnight.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Hamsterism vs. Existentialism.

In Business Communication today, we discussed impediments to our success.
As usual, we got slightly side-tracked.
The amount of involvement that was shown when the topic of faith and spirituality came up was surprising, and the idea of personal fulfillment from belief was given great importance.

I'm a firm believer in freedom of religion in the purest sense of the term.
If you were to tell me that you worshipped your pet hamster as an omnipotent being, I would acknowledge that as your right.
(However, I would certainly question the amount of introspection and thought that went into this decision.)
It can be difficult to respect the beliefs of others sometimes, regardless of what spiritual category you fall under; acknowledging that someone else's view may be equally as valid as yours can be challenging when the arguments are polar opposites.
The views of others can also be useful to you, however.

I feel that in order to be genuinely valuable, your belief has to be questioned.
If you find yourself believing (or refusing to believe) in something, ask yourself why on a regular basis.
Better yet, discuss the subject with someone who has a different take on it.
I think the best way to reach a conclusion on life is not to reach it at all - once someone considers their view as a final 'conclusion', they are essentially becoming a vessel for that idea rather than the idea being an accurate projection of their true thoughts.
What we once saw as being correct can, and probably will, eventually develop into an adapted version of itself - sometimes in an almost unrecognisable form.

It is easy to say you are a Christian, Muslim, Atheist, or Hamsterist at heart.
It is not so easy to actually be one.

On life and meaning, I find myself agreeing with the likes of Sartre and Camus in their existential views.
I believe in the idea that existence precedes essence, and that universal meaning is not an inherent component of life.
With that being said, their work should not be misinterpreted as an indication that life is 'meaningless'; rather that meaning can be derived from existence in itself.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Dream exceeds expectation - Mother suspected of witchcraft.

--Dunedin, New Zealand
Last night, local boy Billy Carragher, 10, found himself sleeping peacefully after a hard day's work.

"I had been to soccer and stuff and was getting sort of tired, so I went to bed early. My mom said 'sweet dreams' I think - I didn't really pay much attention. I wanted to sleep and she's always saying stuff like that anyway."

What happened next would amaze even the most skeptical of readers:
The mother's command became a reality, as Billy suddenly began experiencing an increase in brain activity. His cholinergic PGO waves began to stimulate his mid and fore-brain sections, as he found himself trapped in a state which is scientifically known as 'Rapid Eye Movement' (REM) sleep.


"It was totally sweet - there were even racecars and flying dogs and stuff! When mom said 'sweet dreams' I was all like 'yeah right' but dude, this was so sweet."

While this may seem harmless to some, critics of the mother (Mrs. Alice Carragher, a 34 year-old homemaker) have demanded a public debate on whether her magical powers could be used for the purpose of evil.
James Witford, chairman of the Dunedin Association for Concerned Citizens (DACC) has called for the immediate capture of Alice Carragher for interrogation purposes.
"Sure, she can make her own kid have a 'sweet' dream, but what if she decides to make you suffer night terrors? Dreams can influence the way we think subconsciously. Trust me, I have a friend who has a PhD in this kind of thing.
She's a menace, and must be stopped if we want to protect our society! Vote Witford for Chairman '08."


Alice Carragher has refused to make herself available for any comment regarding this matter, but has been rumoured to have a history of suspicious behaviour.
Carragher's neighbour, Joyce Bartlett, has stated:
"I heard this really strange noise a few nights ago - it was like a plate or a glass breaking in the middle of the night. I got up to see what it was, and surely enough I saw a black cat in my living room. It must have come in through the window. I started calmly telling it to get out, but all it did was look at me in the same way that Alice does sometimes. It was this odd mixture of curiosity and empathy. Please, Alice, if you're reading this - let us help you. This isn't your fault."


The local population remains divided over this issue, as the situation continues to escalate.
Billy's father has openly displayed dismay at the public outcry:
"What's wrong with you people? Is this a joke or something?
The only thing Alice did was tell our child to have a good night, and if that's a crime, consider her guilty."

With an admission of her guilt from someone so close to Mrs. Carragher, Detective Constable James Myers of the Dunedin police force claimed he had 'no choice' but to issue a warrant for her arrest.
An open witch-hunt has been declared, but the crafty mother seems to have disappeared.
If anyone has any leads regarding the whereabouts of Alice Carragher, please contact your local police station.

LEFT - An artist's rendering of Alice Carragher.

Monday, September 10, 2007

I finally get to use the word 'sesquipedalian' without being punched in the face.

In this blog entry, I shall attempt to bring to light some of the more chthonic depths of the English language. I am referring to words such as milquetoast, which serve very little practical purpose, but may get you a date with a librarian.

While some of these are fungible and serve only to increase your ostentatious grandiloquence, they will enhance your vocabulary with a certain salient quality.
Inevitably subject to solecism, they come fully endowed with hyperlinks which elucidate upon their context and general usage.

Using these words in common conversation will inevitably exalt you above the plebeian mire of mediocrity, whether they be used in an extended paroxysm or as a mere scintilla in a sentence.

Possible negative repercussions of using these words include, but are not limited to:
-The common public flouting you for your sesquipedalian excess.
-Experienced philomaths discovering that you only use these words to disguise the fact that you have very little to add to a discussion.
-A flaneur harassing you because he took offense to you calling him a flaneur. (Seriously, what's your problem?)
-A particularly shifty hobbledehoy mugging you, because anyone who uses the word 'hobbledehoy' truly deserves it.
-An attractive member of the opposite sex falls madly in love with you due to the misconception that you are a multifarious member of the intelligentsia.
When she discovers that you are but a lowly neophyte, she savagely assails you with a ballpoint pen.
-Your hubris enrages Zeus, as he unleashes a cataract of fire and thunder upon you.

Now that you have been warned of the intransigent punishments that may await you, be free!
Share your coruscant knowledge with the world, and may you be added to the glorious hagiography of eloquence!

Just try not to get hit.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Fractals - Part 2.

As previously requested.
Click on the pictures to view them in full-size:




Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Cosmic horror unleashed on Dunedin: Locals mildly affected.

At approximately 9 P.M. last night, Dunedin was the victim of what is now considered to be the most horrifying experience known to mankind.
This incredulous event has baffled both local and international scientists, and has single-handedly reshaped the laws of physics as we previously knew them.
It began with several hours of heavy rain, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.
There had been no warnings, causing mild discomfort among those away from the comfort of their homes.

Soon, however, even those inside of their residences were affected.
In what can only be described as a supernatural phenomenon, the sky was peeled back by thousands of writhing tentacles - each the size of a large apartment block.
A copious amount of acidic slime began dripping from these, burning through rooftops, trees, and reacting with water to form an anthropomorphic entity comprised solely of mucus and pure hatred.

"At this point I thought something wasn't quite right", said local area man Peter Murray. He continued: "I know the weather in Dunedin can be unpredictable, but I've never seen any giant tentacles of death descending upon humanity. Ah well, she'll be right mate."

Mike Wilson, a Dunedin teenager, tells us how his life was affected by this terrifying spectacle:

"Well, at first they crashed through the roof - the tentacles I mean. The acid was everywhere. My dog was barking frantically, and we just didn't know what to do.
The whole room was a mess, I didn't know what the rest of the house was like before we got out through one of the giant holes in the wall, and I saw that one of the tentacles had plunged straight into my room, destroying pretty much everything I owned.
They were all around us, and we were trapped. I watched as my entire house began disintegrating, and there was nothing I could do to stop it."

At this point I had heard enough.
I asked if I could do anything to help, to which he replied (whilst nurturing the small stump which served as a reminder of his right leg):
"Nah, she'll be fine mate. She'll be fine eh.
Just needs a wee bit of time."

The indomitable spirit of Dunedin residents remains intact, despite the continuous havoc wreaked by these giant antediluvian abominations of nature.
It's almost contagious, as I find myself thinking that maybe it will all be "right."
Maybe it doesn't matter how many tentacles are trying to end human existence, or just how painful their acid is - as long as we remain positive in thinking tha-OH GOD THEY'RE COMING FOR M-

Monday, September 3, 2007

Hedgehogs join the B.A.P.'s 'Protection List.'

kk so hetchhawgz r n0w protekted spaces meenin that u cann0t undah ne circumcistances kill or eet dem dey are protkected bbc said so and now deze guuys called BAP (burea of amportant people) are like "OOOHHHH YOU CANT TAKE OUR HETCHHAWGZ"
maybe some guyz are like 'ah man u burn the hawgsters homes' but that is probly rong ae.
we mite not burn the hawgsters homes
and hawgsters are very endangred nowadays they are not strong as an ox.
they are very small
not oxes

there was some stuff bout other aminals like birds snakes and rattlefish too but i didnt read i dont enjoy i only like teh hawgs

IN TRANSLATION:

The new Biodiversity Action Plan (B.A.P.) has recently released an updated list of species in need of conservation and greater protection.
To the surprise of many concerned readers, hedgehogs were found to be on this list.
There are multiple theories surrounding the addition of these small mammals, with many experts claiming that the key factor in this discovery is wider research into the lives of hedgehogs, rather than a significant decrease in their available habitat.

Considering the nature of this beloved animal, the hedgehog could be faced with serious issues standing in the way of its survival as a species.
The United Kingdom's Biological Diversity minister, Joan Ruddock, has been quoted as saying the key to sustaining a healthy environment for generations to come is biological diversity, which is something she believes we should consider more frequently.

Other animals added to the B.A.P.'s list include the grass snake and the garden tiger moth, who now join bottlenose dolphins and red squirrels as species in need of further habitat protection.