Area Locals Exposed to Terrifying Force of Nature: Government Refuses to Help.

--Dunedin, New Zealand.--
In a shocking turn of events, the residents of Dunedin have been subjected to a highly dangerous spectrum of electromagnetic radiation.
Upon first impact, locals experienced temporary blindness and primal terror at the sight, which has inevitably scarred the hearts and minds of the young and old alike.

"It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before in my life", said local man Michael Lamb, "I stepped outside and it felt like I was being burned alive. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear everyone around me hissing and weeping in agony."

It is unknown where this crisis originated, but speculation has implicated multiple terrorist organisations, the French rugby team, and George Bush.
According to lifetime Dunedin resident and grandfather of four Isaac Bernhardt, this is not the first time it has happened in his life:

"When I was still a lad, I remember going outside despite my mother telling me not to. All I remember is a blinding flash of light, and waking up a few hours later. My skin was incredibly sensitive and its colour had changed into a violent red hue. Oh, that horrible, horrible light. I thought I would never see it again."

Experts are concerned about the long-term implications of exposure to this inexplicable source of terror, but the majority of these unfortunate victims feel they need swift government intervention in order to carry on with their lives as they would normally. Residents of Dunedin and surrounding towns have demanded outside help as they continue to suffer from these pulsating beams of heat.

The New Zealand Minister of Weather-Related Affairs has since released a disgruntled press statement after continued pressure on him to do so, saying "It's just the sun. What more can I say?"
It remains unknown whether or not he will issue a public apology, though civil rights groups are up in arms about his apparent apathy towards the population of the Otago area.

Left: The prime suspect.

Parliament V2.0 - Now with added violence.

New Zealand's Senior Cabinet Minister Trevor Mallard may have just unwittingly changed the future of politics in this country.
National party member Tau Henare said Mr. Mallard "lost his rag" after he directed a "very short, three-word, comment" at him in the House about his personal life. How did he do this?
He punched him.
He punched him right in the face.

This is the latest event in a series of odd displays by the House of Representatives, but it is certainly the most interesting. Trevor Mallard has finally taken this ministerial trash-talking to another level, and has now incorporated what the vast majority of us want to see: high-ranking public figures engaged in embarrassingly ineffective combat.

For the first time in the history of New Zealand, representatives of the two main political parties in the country have joined together in order to make politics more interesting to an otherwise disaffected audience.
The entire nation has suddenly woken up to the fact that politics isn't all about legislation, debates, and endless campaigning -- it's also about petty name-calling, childish taunts, and blind rage.

It may not have been the most intelligent thing to do on Trevor Mallard's behalf, but somewhere inbetween angrily pouncing on Tau Henare and being dragged away by several bystanders he did something that most politicians can only dream of: He made a large amount of people smile.
He did not achieve this by making forced jokes, he didn't comment on Australia, and he certainly didn't mention the policies of other political parties, and I believe that is a very rare thing in politics. Personally, I don't think Mr. Mallard should face any serious punishment for what he did.
Many other people do, however.
As a working compromise, my suggestion is that we outsource his current duties to someone else, and make him our representative at all future international meetings. Why?

New Zealand is a very small country with a minimal influence on global politics. I think we should change that.
If our representative had a reputation for being 'that guy' -- the one who can snap at any minute and launch himself at you -- we may be able to play a more important role at summits.
I'm not advocating the use of bullying in order to have sanctions imposed on countries that finished ahead of New Zealand in the Rugby World Cup, I'm just saying that it's a possibility we shouldn't be ruling out without serious consideration.

Fractals - Part 3: Too much spare time.

Click on the images to view them in full size (as they should be viewed).
Please ignore the silly names -- I'm always in a mad rush to save the images, and usually settle for the first thing that comes into my mind.

Terrorist plot uncovered, covered.

Recently there has been a nationwide controversy as the New Zealand police carried out several raids on the homes of and training grounds of 'terrorists'.
The search warrants were carried out under the Firearms Act and the Terrorism Suppression Act.
No-one was physically hurt in these raids, but 17 men (mainly Maori political activists) were arrested with some of them facing serious firearms charges.

This issue has absolutely torn up any pretense of a comfortably multi-cultural society in New Zealand, as racial divisions are clearly being shown by all sides. Parliament has erupted, but instead of burning lava and ash there are personal feuds and gargantuan clashes of ego creeping downwards to the unsuspecting population (and possibly a sleeping minister or two) below.

Newstalk ZB (http://nz.news.yahoo.com/071023/2/256u.html#) says:

"Tempers have frayed in Parliament, with Maori Party MP Hone Harawira claiming police are ignorant towards Maori.

Mr Harawira used a speech in Parliament this afternoon to continue his party's attacks on police following last weeks terror raids. He laid into police, attacking them for the way the raids were carried out. Mr Harawira likened their actions to those used by the US to invade Iraq and find the supposed weapons of mass destruction.

"And a readiness to brutalise Tuhoe in exactly the same way they did a hundred years ago, even using 70 armed constabulary like they did back then."

The speech infuriated Peter Dunne, who labelled it disgusting.

"It becomes the dignity of that member and this house no good at all, to behave in that manner on a matter of this type. I intend to waste no more time on the member because frankly he doesn't deserve it."

The Maori Party also highlighted criticism from the Montreal Maori Solidarity Committee, which describes last week's arrests as suppression of the legitimate right to dissent.

Maori Affairs Minister Parekura Horomia responded saying New Zealand has one of the best records for race relations, and while there may be tensions, they are not new. He says if the country is serious about nationhood people should not be trying to pull it asunder. Mr Horomia says "a lot of rubbish" is being talked about the issue at the moment."

The likening of the raids to the American invasion of Iraq for weapons of mass destruction strikes me as being somewhat off-the-mark for several reasons.
What I feel Mr. Harawira neglects to mention is that in this case, the weapons they were searching for were actually there.
I don't think this is a blatant case of anti-Maori racism - I think the police heard something very close to what we did. A large group of armed men (not Maori, not 'Pakeha', but unidentified men with guns) were running around in a forest wearing camouflage gear, and upon further inspection many were found to have illegal weaponry including Molotov cocktails.

None of the arrested men were terrorists, and I feel calling them that is part of the reason why this issue is escalating out of control.
Terrorism in the modern sense is "violence or other harmful acts committed (or threatened) against civilians for political or other ideological goals."
There is no evidence whatsoever of these men plotting against civilians, or seeking to cause any kind of terror. The only party which has even come close to inspiring terror in this case is the police, by arresting several men on firearms charges and claiming they had just prevented a malicious terrorist plot.

I do feel that the Terrorism Suppression Act was misused in this case.
At best it was an overreaction (much like everything else that has been said regarding this matter), and at worst it was a deliberate decision made to justify the persecution of several minority groups.
However, many are demanding the immediate release of all activists placed under arrest. While I would support this if they had done nothing that could be considered illegal, they are currently in court for serious firearms charges, not for being 'terrorists'.
One of the accused has been released on bail already, and the rest are expected to be able to do so within the coming few days.
Molotov cocktails aren't for drinking, despite what your arch-nemesis told you, and if the police find several of them in your house after searching it under the Firearms Act I believe they have every right to ask you a few questions.

This issue, among others, has found itself proving once more that racial relations in New Zealand are not as comfortable as we're often told they are.
Laws set in place to combat terror have been misused for the first time in our country, and a large military-style operation has single-handedly managed to fiercely reignite lingering racial tension, cause a public outcry, and confiscate a few guns.
I think that the way this issue is resolved (or not) will make the difference between whether or not these men will be remembered as criminals or martyrs several years from now.
The way I see it, there's a good chance they'll still be considered as both.

It all started with the All Blacks losing.

A Spoonful of Caribou & More.

Warning: The following post contains the result of too much spare time spent on Wikipedia, a sense of simultaneous delight and dismay at the English language, and a boogle of weasels.
Continue at your own discretion.

We all know the commonly-cited inconsistencies in the English language.
At some point, you may have wondered what the deal was with goose/geese, sheep/sheep, and moose/moose - however, in the haze of confusion that can often surround the plurals of animals, the collective nouns used to describe them are often neglected.
This is probably a good thing, if you take some of these into consideration:

• A romp of otters.

• A gaggle of geese (when not in flight).

• A skein of geese (when in flight).

• A boogle of weasels.

• A bask of crocodiles.

• A knot of frogs.

• A creep of tortoises.

• A turn of turtles.

• A lodge of beavers.

• A sounder of boars.

• A kukpowder of bullfinches.

• A dormobile of camels.

• A spoonful of caribou.

• A gang of elk.

• A rake of mules.

• A nye of pheasants.

• A parcel of hogs.

• A waltz of piglets.

And last but not least:

• A pile of platypi.

I wish some of these were fictional.
I really do.

The Platypus: Nature's mistake or the harbinger of suffering?

The platypus.
This ignoble creature is often regarded as a fluke of nature rivalled only by the likes of axolotls and The Backstreet Boys. It is frequently mocked for its appearance, which lends itself to the belief that it is a dimwitted and generally useless animal.
However, I think that the humble platypus can teach us a very valuable lesson:
Stay far away from the damned things.


"I AM A PLATYPUS."

At first glance, one notices a bizarre otter/beaver/duck hybrid, seemingly incapable of causing any harm.
This couldn't be further from the truth.
Platypi (trust me, I've looked it up) are finely-tuned combat machines, born to hunt and kill unsuspecting prey using electroreception, expert camouflage, and powerful venom.

A male platypus is able to produce 250 different chemicals in its crural gland, with four of them being major toxins. Out of these four, three are unique to the platypus!
This means that they are very capable of hurting you, and they even have their own special venom to do it with.

Wikipedia says: "Although powerful enough to kill smaller animals, the venom is not lethal to humans. However, it produces excruciating pain which may be intense enough to incapacitate the victim. Swelling rapidly develops around the entry wound and gradually spreads outwards. Information obtained from case studies and anecdotal evidence show that the pain develops into a long-lasting hyperalgesia that can persist for months."

Another thing to note is the stealthy manner in which this vicious beast conceals its weapon.
The male platypus has a venomous spur on the inside of each hind limb, and will not hesitate to dig these into you if it feels threatened or frustrated.

Imagine the following scenario:
You're a platypus (don't try to argue), lying blissfully on the bank of a river.
Suddenly a lumbering bipedal giant crashes through the bushes, stares directly at you, and begins to make loud guffawing noises whilst pointing its claw-like finger in your direction.
You're going to feel extremely frustrated.

As you may have gathered by now, the only thing that matches the platypus' odd appearance is its insatiable desire for the pain and anguish of others.
When you combine its powerful venom with the fact that it is nearly invisible in water, you have a creature capable of haunting the nightmares of small children for years to follow.



"I am here to eat your soul."

This week in the news:

- Current All Black captain Richie McCaw does stuff.

- Is Doug Howlett injured? No, but that doesn't stop us from running a 3-minute article on it.

- We only won that international game by a 95 point margin: who do we blame?

- The next match is going to be even better than the last one. Trust us.

- Did we mention that we have a good chance of winning the World Cup?

- We could win the World Cup, you know.

- We won the World Cup in 1987.
Here's a highlight reel.

- Coming up: We search for a comfortable bandwagon to jump in order to capitalise on popular opinion.

- What do you think of Britney Spears? We'll tell you after the break.

- Italy managed to score two tries against us in our resounding 76 -14 victory. Should the Italian team be tested for illegal steroids, and was that a forward pass?
Yes on both counts.

- Next up is 'Dobbo' with sports news.