Insomnia.

A lot of people think counting sheep is a good way to fall asleep.
A lot of people are wrong.
Last night, after individually naming and assigning characteristics to every single sheep in New Zealand (there are a lot), I gave up.
I turned on my television, and gazed at the horror that had waited for me so patiently:
Infomercials.

After trying to find something I could watch without losing a little bit of faith in humanity, I became aware that this was impossible.
Over the course of several minutes, I learned:

• I can make millions in real estate without leaving my bed if I follow a set of five simple instructions.

• For a mere $3.50 per message, quasi-attractive girls may send me a text such as "Hi" or "Hello". If I'm lucky I will be asked if I enjoy Thai cuisine.

• I can be the proud owner of a 'Bowflex body' by exercising three times every week.

• Having a Bowflex body will instantly make me a professional volleyball player at age 41.

• Being a middle-aged man and playing volleyball for a living is the very apex of human success.

• Never trust anyone.

• No matter how tired you are, Fox News will never seem like a fair and balanced news source.

• If there was a medieval battle between 65,400 infantrymen armed with brooms, and 65,400 brooms armed with infantrymen, the fate of the world would ultimately depend on how fast a polar bear can run when put under mild stress.
(I began hallucinating due to sleep deprivation at this point.)

• Most of all, hallucinations involving anthropomorphic brooms and polar bear protagonists are often more realistic/truthful than anything aired on television after midnight.